When We Get Married

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When We Get Married

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For as long as I remember, I was always encouraged by my mother to get married. It was my only course of action as far as my mom was concerned. They would suggest suitable candidates, who (although too young at the time) could be groomed to be a future wife! To me living in England this seemed an unlikely approach to gain a soul mate. How would we know if we suit one another ? What about courting, and chemistry ? At what point would we know enough about one another to be able to decide to say yes or No ?

Yet I could see my cousins in Iran who had all married by means of "Khastegary" (Where parents of the groom go to the house of the bride and express their intention), and they all seemed very happy. I also remember all my cousins had had girl friends prior to marraige. I could not understand why they did not marry there girlfriends. I asked my closest cousin Massood why he married a "total stranger" in preference to one of his past girl friends. His answer was "But Farzad Jan, I want a 'najeeb' (pure) wife, those girl friends are 'yek Bar Masraf' (disposable type)." His double standards were always a mystery to me. How could he date these girls, if he thought them to be of such low esteem? What did these girls think when they were with him ? In My eyes he was not worthy of their affection. I always considered my girl friends as equal to my self, and his behaviour always angered me. Now , many years later, I am married to my sweet heart, and thankfully we are surviving the seventh year of our marriage (Seven year Itch). But I still see many of my young Iranian friends struggle to make the decision as to who to marry. Some have chosen the traditional root of leaving the wife picking to their parents. The parents, using the well organised under ground movement of eligible-young-girls-looking-for-a-husband network in Iran, soon find a distant relative living in Iran who seems to be them perfect for their son. Then I see other friends who have chosen to marry western wives, (some just to gain a visa for residency). They have the most difficult task ahead of them. Many end up divorced, and sadly have children by their western wives. Cross cultural marriages require both partners to compromise, and knowing how pig headed most Iranian men can be, it then lies almost entirely with the western wife to adapt to the life of an Iranian wife. Then there are those, like myself, who have met there Iranian sweet heart, fallen in love, and arranged there own marriage - sometimes against the will of their families. They share much in common, and have grown up in similar, hostile, foreign conditions. They are westernised, but still treasure the deeper cultural values of their legacy. Of all the different possibilities, it is they who have the strongest chance of survival. And yet I see them struggle too. It seems that when Iranian men get married, they wish to impose their dominance on their wives; they throw away all the years of western education, and human equality, and expect their wives to be subservient. How can such a transition take place ? What happens to all those years of education ? I guess the answer is that we may have learned to read & write in our westernised countries, but our education is skin deep. Inside, we still carry the same old values, and, as I have found, keeping on top of those values is a mighty struggle. Our biggest enemy is ourselves. We want our wives to look beautiful, and be charming. We want our wives to fulfil our physical needs, and keep up with our open minded approach to making love. We want our wives to make our houses into homes, and take care of domestic issues. But when we get home, we want her to forget all that, and say yes master. Well, we can dream on.

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